Shy and Soaring

By Claire Schofield

2 minute read

Don't be shy! Aren't you talking to me? She's very shy, isn't she?

I was planning for a workshop about the emotions shy and embarrassed this week and I was very aware this topic feels quite personal for me. 

From a young age people would make comments about my daughter being shy and nervous. I hated it, partly because I didn't want her having this label and mostly because I was getting increasingly worried about this too.

It was mainly at family functions where my daughter much preferred to sit under a table or be taken for a walk outside, than play and chat with others.

I tried to remember these comments weren't intended to be unkind but they felt so negative and fed my own worries. Did I need to do something? Did I need to fix something? Was there something wrong? Starting at preschool and school was rough on us all, we had years of her struggling to separate and finding social situations like birthday parties really upsetting. I sat with lots of blame and guilt listing the things I did wrong or should have done differently to make her more independent. At her first parents evening her teacher had lots of lovely things to say but the focus I came away with was how quiet she was and that she needed to put her hand up more. 

It was at Junior school where things started to shift. Her teacher used the phrase "quietly confident". Just this simple reframing made such a difference!

Then in year 3 she came home and showed me a speech she had written to put herself forward for class Member of Parliament. She had to read it out in front of the class and then in school assembly. The night before she was so nervous, I must admit to being really surprised when she came home and said she done it! We spent time reflecting on how this felt and it was great to have an example of something she did where she moved through that feeling of nervousness and did it anyway. Over the coming months we watched in awe as we saw her confidence grow and grow.

As I write this, she's on her first residential and I've just watched a video of her flying down the biggest zip wire i've ever seen! I don't know why being shy or quiet has such negative associations. I didn't need to fix or do anything, there was nothing to fix! My daughter can be shy and brave and funny and many more amazing things. She takes her time and goes at her own pace. I wish I could show that video to me six years ago. Stages and phases pass and she grows and changes so quickly!

Going forward I'm going to try to hold on to the idea that she will get to exactly where she needs to be when she's ready. 

I think I've learnt my role in this is to show her I love her for exactly who she is, to be with her through the worries and discomfort and be proud to sit back and watch her soar.